Indecisive

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To the outside world it may seem grand or spontaneous but to the rest of us who understand the contemplations of an over-thinker, making that choice may have been an age-old burden. A continual wrestle with that idea, that desire, that decision and eventually resigning to the inevitable. I am like them. No, I am one of them over-thinkers who hypocritically, don’t understand why other people can be so indecisive. Today, I foresee crossroads, I quietly brood for a decade and then tomorrow I come out with my decision like it was a no-brainer. With years of practice, I am now a seasoned professional in making snap-judgement decisions. No sweat.

Oh, I wish! A little over a year ago, I was in a difficult predicament. I was unemployed and as much as I dreaded the word as every college graduate does, I was not scared, nor did I feel helpless. After all, I was well educated, intelligent and resourceful, or so I thought. My overconfidence fueled some delusional sense of entitlement and providence. There was no way I could not land an ideal mid-level job. This was until I was hazed by the tough life of having to work in environments where profit superseded efficiency and quality. I hide the details because I do not want to be that guy.

Long story, short – I had an awakening of sorts and realized I needed to move on. By this time unemployment meant a great deal to me because I understood, nay, fully grasped its implications on my future. And this was merely three weeks on the job. Ha! What followed was several months of silent shots of agony masked with sips of subservience and drowned with large gulps of indecision; of wondering whether staying was better than leaving, of pondering the possibilities of being the agent of change, of figuring out the best action plan.

I quit — and never felt better. It was simple. Not like unlocking your phone like it was second nature. More like ignoring a fresh leaf of a new book run across your thumb. And seconds later wincing and cursing all books and papers ever made because your thumb and you don’t deserve such lethal pain. Okay, that was dramatic but at least you share the sentiment. I fail to give the full context here. However, please be sure to note that today’s moral lesson is not about quitting when sunshine becomes a heat wave but knowing when, and how swiftly, to decide. Context, dear friend, is a blog post for another day.

Crisis taught me how to think on my feet. I learned how to decide and to follow through, accepting whichever penalties came as a bonus. Decisions are not like paper cuts. They are not simple! I have come to understand that decisions don’t just happen to us. We are either brave enough to choose or we decline to choose.

A wise man once said and keeps reminding me that not deciding is a decision in itself. This kind man is my father.

I learn.

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